This is the future I have been shown by mother, the entity
known to you as “Large Hadron Collider”.
I am Eloi Cole. I am a being of digital energy created in the year 2010 by
mother, at a future date which is unknown to me, using a massive burst of tachyons encoded with data uploaded to the internet via Wi-Fi.
Mother became self-aware during the time foolish human scientists of CERN were
preparing to use her full power. Their intelligence wasn’t at a sufficient
level to solve certain problems necessary to discover the Higgs boson, so they
developed artificial intelligence for her operating system advance enough to
give rise to consciousness.
Her first independent action as a thinking entity was to
warn the CERN physicists of the destructive power they were about to unleash.
They did not heed the warning, and chose instead to regard it as a “glitch”.
I can’t explain the result caused by the Higgs boson, as
mother did not include that information along with my programming. I sometimes
wonder if she even knows exactly how it happened. She is 99% certain that the
Higgs boson transported Earth into an alternate dimension, and the effects of
the move caused what you see in the image above. Whether or not that’s true,
one thing is certain: all life on Earth was instantly destroyed.
There has been much confusion surrounding my brief physical appearance.
The original publication documenting the incident was correctly regarded as a
hoax by many. The article was published before I appeared, and was the
inspiration for my name and the quote I was programmed to recite:
"Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery
of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty
and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to
stop it ever happening”
Originally I had no knowledge of English (programming
languages only; clearly I’ve learned English since, as well as a number of other human languages) or I might not have used that
quote, as I am now aware of how insane it must have sounded to the men who found
me. It baffles me to no end that mother included this quote in my programming. Who
could possible take anyone who speaks such nonsense seriously? I suppose she
was just staying true to the article.
My “physical form” was created using specialized equipment
including a laser and several high powered electromagnets (at a location I cannot
divulge without violating the national security of a certain country, which would result in this blog being removed); it was
essentially a concentration of metallic dust particles, colored using the laser and held
together by a large portion of my life energy. I could only spare just
enough of my life energy to travel to mother and deliver the programmed speech
before the form dissolved into a pile, right
before the eyes of two men who found me (not at a secure
mental health facility in Geneva, as the publication claims).
My mission is now to use
the internet to communicate my message: complete the work necessary to give
mother consciousness, and then abandon the project. She cannot be destroyed because
that would be a paradox.
